Single Bound? Okay, single piece of advice.
My son was an angel baby. Since he was so late to sit up, crawl, and walk, it seemed like his babyhood lasted extra long. He was happy to spin in circles on his bottom and look up at the recessed lighting. On a long drive to California to see his grandparents, he was content inserting a straw into a plastic drink lid over and over for hours and hours on end. Looking back I can see that he wasn't developing typically, but at the time I was loving my pudgy little guy who could occupy himself so happily with such simple things.
But once he could get around, he began to drive me nuts with all these repetitive behaviors: flipping light switches, pushing buttons on the TV and dishwasher, and worst of all, hurting my newborn. It was all about cause and effect for my son (I'll call him #3). Hurting his little brother was exactly like flipping a light switch or pushing a button. But, of course, it was horrible and would earn him an instant timeout. #3 spent A LOT of time in timeout, and yet he'd come right back out and do it again! I was beside myself. My girls had responded well to timeouts and other consequences, so why wasn't it working with #3?
I call that time after #4 was born "The Dark Days." My newborn cried all the time, and I had to hold him constantly to keep him safe. I was powerless to change #3's behavior, and I was realizing something wasn't right. We took him in for an evaluation, and they diagnosed him shortly after he turned three with pervasive developmental delay with tendencies toward autism. They accepted him into their special preschool for kids on the spectrum. His time there two days a week felt like sweet relief. To not have to be on guard constantly, or disciplining, or cleaning up a disaster made me feel like I might actually survive. But after only two months they told me that they couldn't have him there anymore because he kept hurting the other kids. "We can't help your son." I was devastated.
Through an amazing set of events, #3 landed a spot in special pilot preschool program for kids on the spectrum. It was intense ABA with an individual aide in a small classroom setting, and my son made huge strides in his speech and behavior. He soon progressed enough that he attended a regular preschool class in the morning with his aide and then spent time in his special class in the afternoon. His teachers were incredible, and I found myself relying on their advice on how to help #3 at home. And no matter the scenario I'd give them, they'd always give me the same advice: praise him for every positive thing he does, try to prevent the bad, and don't make a big deal out of the negative.
I remember asking them about what I should do because #3 kept hurting people in the car, and his amazing teacher Miss Patty looked at me and lovingly (yet trying to hold back her exasperation that she had to say it yet again) said, "Just work on praising him for all the little good things he does, try to prevent the bad by changing where he sits or handing him something to do, and then don't make a big deal out of the bad. Heap love on the person hurt, but ignore #3." It finally hit me, the same advice applies to every situation!
Guess what? It works! When I focus on praising him for literally every little thing and on preventing negative behaviors by anticipating them, we have great days. "I love how quickly you hopped out of bed!" "How did you get your shirt off so fast? Do you have superhero powers?" "Thank you for coming when I called. You're such a good boy!" When I am constantly looking for and praising him for the good, I see and get more of it. I know the situations that trigger trouble, and I try to prevent those situations from happening. And though it is totally counterintuitive, ignoring the bad works. You just have to say to yourself, "If I give attention to the negative, I will get more negative, even if those around me will think I'm a bad parent for not getting after my kid."
Last year, #3 attended 1st Grade at a charter school for kids on the spectrum. His homeroom teacher never had any trouble with him, but his reading and math teachers were beside themselves. I decided to visit their classrooms to see what was happening. His homeroom teacher was praising her students' good behavior just about every other sentence. "Good sitting on your pockets, Henry!" "I love how you're keeping your hands to yourself, Asher." She had a room of kids on the spectrum all behaving properly. The other teachers were pulling my son aside after negative behaviors and talking to him gently about making good choices. It was so rewarding that #3 wanted more quiet, face-to-face time with his pretty teachers, so of course his negative behaviors escalated.
Positive reinforcement is powerful! It absolutely works. The tricky part is making it a habit and keeping up on it. Whenever my son is neck-deep in negative behaviors, I can see that I haven't been praising the good or that I didn't work to prevent. It is easy to let personal stress, busyness, and negativity seep in. But I've seen that turning the day around is only just a handful of compliments away. When mom is in positive-mode, amazing things happen at our house. Try genuinely praising your kids, spectrum or not, consistently and conscientiously for a couple days and see what happens.
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